


wherever we go

by fundips



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: (especially killua), Feelings Realization, First Kiss, Fluff, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Loss, M/M, Reconciliation, post-reunion, these poor kids, this is set one year after they leave each other & all that angsty shit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-27
Updated: 2017-09-27
Packaged: 2019-01-05 22:38:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,566
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12198798
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fundips/pseuds/fundips
Summary: “Your cologne smells nice,” Killua murmured quietly. He hadn’t opened his eyes but he felt Gon’s pulse quicken slightly under his skin.“Aunt Mito got it for me, actually. She says I’m old enough for it now.”That’s right, isn’t it?They were older now and the jump seemed huge despite it only being a year. Gon was still as strong as an ox without his Nen and built like one too. His muscles were more defined than they were last time he’d seen him, Killua noticed.“Do you use it a lot?”Gon laughed at that. “No, only for special occasions.”“Like meeting me?”There was a pause. Gon’s pulse was drumming now and Killua could sense it.“Yeah, like meeting you.”





	wherever we go

**Author's Note:**

> This was a request (two actually, so I lumped them together) on my [Tumblr](https://handgunz.tumblr.com). It was supposed to be a drabble and then it just sorta got really long haha. [Link to the original on Tumblr.](http://handgunz.tumblr.com/post/165777320501/my-heart-hurts-after-that-last-fic-if-you-have)

Killua was stressed.

He was very stressed actually, and maybe that was a tremendous understatement. After avoiding Illumi and his needlemen for a mere eleven months his eldest brother managed to corner them in their hotel room with nowhere to go. Killua barely had time to issue an order before his sister had been torn from his grip by Illumi, and although he tried to use his Hatsu, Illumi was immune to electricity so it had next to no effect. It was only a matter of time before Godspeed depleted his aura and he had to recharge.

Killua exerted himself too far while using his Hatsu in his panicked state. He found himself barely able to stand, watching Illumi leave with her without having the strength to stop him.

And Alluka… she was _screaming_. Killua often told himself that he’d rather suck concrete through a straw than listen to her cry like that. It was so scared, so terrified that it sounded wrong in her childish voice. It was only a matter of time until her screams faded into ragged sobs in the distance and Killua was left alone, crippled and weak in his hotel room.

He’d searched the entire city and the towns in the perimeter but he knew he was too late. Illumi was an assassin—an extremely professional one at that—so it was only natural that he knew how to leave the scene of the crime within minutes. It was also possible that he’d already used one of his needles on Alluka so she wouldn’t go looking for Killua.

Although Killua hadn’t spoken to Gon in quite some time, he knew he had no choice but to contact him. He had no other allies to turn to since Kurapika wasn’t answering his phone and Leorio was far too busy with the Zodiacs to possibly bother himself with Killua’s family matters… and speaking of family matters, it wasn’t as if he could talk about Alluka’s wish-granting ability with just anyone.

It was out of sheer logic, he told himself. It had to be Gon.

Killua didn’t want to explain the entire situation on the phone or via email since anything could be traced. They agreed to meet up in person at a restaurant on Whale Island in a week and Killua was thankful that they could talk on such short notice.

The cafe was quaint and looked like it had just opened recently. There were square tables with glass tops and slow-turning ceiling fans above. As he slid into one of the booths he could hear light classical music in the background. Waiters smartly dressed in black and white took the orders of customers who were already seated and turning through menu pages.

He wasn’t hungry so he hadn’t bothered picking something to eat. Killua was sure he’d lost weight over the last week (eight pounds at least) which was unhealthy but he couldn’t help it. Anxiety gnawed at his stomach the more he thought about Alluka and what she might be going through. It was doubtful that Illumi brought her back home if he could have her power all to himself instead. At worst he would kill her. At best she was alive… but probably scared and suffering somewhere.

Killua covered his face with his hands. He could stay awake three days without sleeping but he’d stayed up the entire week without sleeping an ounce. Dark rings were stained under his eyes with exhaustion and he knew they wouldn’t fade for a while. He heard someone slide into the booth and he let his hands drop to see Gon sitting across from him.

He looked… different now. His hair had grown out a little more and it stuck out in different directions as if he’d run through the woods to get here (and he probably had). His skin was a healthy tan color and his eyes were a richer hue of chocolate than a year ago.

Killua vaguely noticed that this was the first time he’d seen Gon sit in a chair and his boots, caked with mud, were touching the ground.

“You’re _tall,_ ” he gasped, “taller than _me._ ”

“Yeah,” Gon replied sheepishly, rubbing the back of his head. “And you’re… uh…” his eyes scanned Killua’s face. “You look like you could use something to eat.”

“I’m not hungry. Just order something for yourself.”

Gon nodded tentatively, reading through the menu and waving over a waiter to take his order. Killua barely picked up any of the words besides “sandwich” and “no onions.” He was so distracted, he hadn’t even noticed that Gon was trying to get his attention for a full ten seconds after the waiter had left.

“H-Huh?” he stuttered, blinking hard in Gon’s direction. He was fully aware that his eyes were drooping slightly but he was too tired to care.

“Killua, you can take your time to talk about it. You can take as long as you like but you have to tell me eventually. You’re way too distracted.”

He hesitated for a brief moment as the sandwich was delivered on a plate and slid across the table. At the moment, Gon was the only one keeping him from completely losing his mind. Just a few hours ago his heart felt a certain emptiness, a shear of nothingness that somehow took over and held his soul. It threatened to kill him entirely and it was a terrible heavy feeling. The absence of Alluka by his side was like the weight of the world was resting on his shoulders and there was nothing he could do to escape it. He promised to look after her, to take care of her. Without her here, it felt like a hole in his heart was ripped out in the shape of his sister.

If he wasn’t a good brother then what was he? A failure, and he _loathed_ failure.

Killua ran his hand through his hair, finally giving in. “It’s Alluka.”

He reluctantly spent the next thirty minutes explaining and elaborating on the situation as Gon listened intently, taking steady bites out of his sandwich. Killua knew that he should’ve asked him how he’d been, how he was holding up without Nen, and how he felt. Instead he couldn’t help but dump everything out that he was holding on his chest and it was a mess… a gigantic mess.

By the time Killua had finished explaining, he felt cold and vaguely noticed his cheeks were wet since there were tears dripping off his jaw. He was far too exhausted to wipe them off and for the first time he didn’t care at all that he was crying. He didn’t care that it was embarrassing. He was drained and his energy was completely spent.

“I’m weak aren’t I?” he whispered.

“You’re not.” Gon reached forward and placed his hand on Killua’s. He didn’t want to be touched but Killua couldn’t even bring himself to be surprised at the gesture. “You did everything you could.”

“It wasn’t enough. She could be—”

Gon cut him off immediately. “Don’t say it.”

“It’s true though isn’t it?” Killua barked out a bitter laugh. He had bottled everything up since it happened and now he was tearing at the seams. “I can’t believe I thought I could go against Illumi. I can’t believe I thought I could try and kill him. I can’t believe I was so stupid. I promised Alluka I would protect her and now she’s somewhere alone and scared and she needs me.”

Gon was quiet as he listened, rubbing his thumb comfortingly along the top of Killua’s hand. “Kite told me that if I’m not at a place that I want to be, I have to train harder to gain the type of strength I need. If you weren’t strong enough to protect her now then the only thing you can do is train harder and become strong enough to beat Illumi. That’s the only way.”

A chill crept through Killua. He was beginning to feel sick and he concluded that it was probably the exhaustion. He couldn’t bring himself to look up at Gon, staring straight down at the table as he closed his eyes.

“I really tried to help her.”

“You did try. You tried your hardest.”

“Trying wasn’t enough. I promised her, I really wanted to be a good big brother. I wanted to be the older brother I wish I had.” He was beginning to feel more and more pathetic with every crack that slipped into his voice.

“You were that kind of older brother to her. In fact you still are. We’re going to get her back, okay?”

They were silent for several minutes but Gon hadn’t let go of Killua’s hand. He was actually thankful for that now since it grounded him and kept him in the present. Nausea was rolling in waves in his stomach and he was sure he was about to vomit on the spot.

“Let’s go outside,” Gon suddenly said.

“I don’t want to move,” Killua murmured.

“Then I’ll carry you.”

“You don’t have to do this,” he groaned weakly as Gon lifted him out of the booth and onto his back. The last time he’d been carried like this was two years ago during their training in Greed Island, though the memory was so faint he had next to no recollection.

“I don’t have to but I want to. That’s what makes us friends,” Gon said as he carried him out of the cafe after paying for the food at the front. “I can tell you’re feeling sick so relax. I’m going to take you somewhere where we can hang out without so many people around.”

Instead of coming up with a snappy remark, Killua wrapped his arms around Gon’s neck for stability, his nose pressing against his hair. This was far more familiar and comforting than he remembered.

His eyes fluttered closed and he breathed in Gon’s scent. It had a faint lingering trace of cologne which was odd considering he never wore anything to mask his natural scent. If he was just going out to meet Killua it shouldn’t have warranted something this fancy. He dipped his nose a bit deeper into the curve along his neck and the scent was definitely more prominent there than in his hair.

“Your cologne smells nice,” Killua murmured quietly. He hadn’t opened his eyes but he felt Gon’s pulse quicken slightly under his skin.

“Aunt Mito got it for me, actually. She says I’m old enough for it now.”

 _That’s right, isn’t it?_ They were older now and the jump seemed huge despite it only being a year. Gon was still as strong as an ox without his Nen and built like one too. His muscles were more defined than they were last time he’d seen him, Killua noticed.

“Do you use it a lot?”

Gon laughed at that. “No, only for special occasions.”

“Like meeting me?”

There was a pause. Gon’s pulse was drumming now and Killua could sense it.

“Yeah, like meeting you.”

Despite the fact that Killua had told him that he was second place, it seemed like Gon viewed him as a priority. A flush of shame burned on his cheeks.

“Thank you for meeting me today. I really needed this,” Killua mumbled. “I’m sorry we couldn’t hang out earlier.”

“I know how important Alluka is to you so it’s not a big deal. If it were I would have told you,” Gon said, hooking his arms a little more under Killua’s legs to keep him secure on his back. “She’s your sister so of course she would come first. Besides, I sort of owed you.”

“Owed me how?”

Gon laughed a little bitterly at that. “I was naive and stupid. I didn’t really know how horrible I was until I told Aunt Mito all about us. You know, at the palace and with Pitou. I put you through a lot, didn’t I?”

“I told you I was a little depressed about it. It’s not a big deal,” he muttered.

“Except it is a big deal right? I hurt you a lot and it was all because you refused to leave my side. It’s only fair that you leave me because of what I did.”

“It’s not like that—”

“But it is, isn’t it?” Gon interrupted with a slightly bitter tone. “I hurt you and I was too stupid at the time to even give you a real apology. Nothing can ever make up for what happened in the palace. All I can do is help you the most I can even without Nen.”

“So you’re doing this because you owe me?”

“No, I’m doing it because you _deserved_ better.”

Killua honestly didn’t like thinking about it. The palace invasion was something he prefered to ignore for the most part since it filled him with bad thoughts and it gave a churning feeling to his stomach. He was completely prepared to die with Gon when it came to fighting Pitou and he almost wished that he could have helped more. There was nothing to be done in the heat of the moment when he protected Komugi instead of his best friend. That was laughable.

“All I wanted was for us to both get out of the palace invasion alive and we did. I don’t care about anything else.” After saying that, he could feel Gon’s pulse begin to steady more beneath his skin. “We’re here now and that’s all that matters. We’re both okay.”

There was a momentary silence before Gon spoke.

“You’re pretty cool.”

“You tell me that enough, trust me,” Killua grumbled and opened his eyes to see where Gon was taking him. He’d carried him into the forest where all the trees were a tightly-knit web of green, yellow, and red leaves. It was a rainbow of rich, autumnal colours. The scent of earth and ocean drifted through the air from the coast.

These forests always had a different vibe than the ones that surrounded the Zoldyck manor. Whale Island had layers of sounds that he could pick up easily such as little frogs croaking under large, broad leaves. There were even spider webs strung with delicate drops of moisture collected from the cool coastal air, glistening in the first shards of dusk.

“Did I ever tell you how much I love this place?” Killua said as he let the side of his head rest against Gon’s shoulder. “It’s so calming.”

“That’s sort of why I wanted to meet up here on Whale Island,” Gon replied. “It could distract you a bit from how you feel. Besides, I wanted to show you something that might help you.”

He almost felt his ears perk in interest. “What is it?”

“Why would I tell you before we get there?” Gon laughed. “It’s called a surprise. We’re almost there anyways so don’t worry.”

Killua huffed in response. “Fine, I’ll wait.”

It was difficult to admit but Gon was warm to the point where it felt safe and comforting. It wasn’t just the cologne that made him a little heady but he’d built a bit more muscle since they’d split up and it felt like he was holding onto a rock.

Maybe he _did_ need a rock right now. It definitely made him feel more stable.

“We’re here, Killua!”

Gon shifted him off his shoulders and let Killua drop onto his feet. It was beginning to get dark but he could still see through the impending dusk light. Against the base of the mountain (or was it a volcano? Killua never bothered to ask), right where it began to slope upwards, there was a clearing with a large pool of water surrounded by boulders and sweeping trees shading the area. Wisps of silver steam curled and danced their way through the cool air as if excited to escape the gentle pull of the sky.

“Is this a hot spring…?” Killua asked tentatively, moving a bit closer to lean over the rocks and stare into the water. It was a clear and clean blue with some leaves collecting towards the sides. It gave a certain aroma that reminded him of lotion.

“Mhm. At least that’s what Aunt Mito calls it,” Gon said as he shrugged off his jacket and tugged his tank top over his head to throw into a pile. “Most hot springs smell like sulfur but this one has eucalyptus trees hanging over the springs. It gives it a different scent that’ll probably relax you.”

His cheeks flushed slightly at Gon’s words as he dipped a finger into the water to test the temperature. It was just as hot as a regular bath, he thought while pulling back to yank his shirt over his head. Meanwhile, Gon was already slipping into the pool in just his shorts.

“Have you been here before with Mito?” Killua asked as he kicked off his shoes.

“Mm yeah when I was younger. It’s good to come here if you’re sick,” Gon said, facing Killua with his back against the boulders on the other side of the pool. He languidly kicked his legs beneath the water as bubbles formed up between the rocks. “Well… Aunt Mito technically said ‘diseased’ because it can be applied to mental state too if you’re in a state when you’re not at ease.”

 _That makes sense,_ Killua thought to himself as he slipped into the spring. The sensation of the water’s heat calmed him, taking his mind off things almost instantly. It felt like the world was a foggy illusion as he breathed in the steam, pulling an audible groan his lips as his muscles began to loosen from their tightened state.

“It’s good right?” Gon said as he pushed off the rocks on the other side of the pool, swimming towards him.

Killua responded with a relaxed sound between a mumble and a tired noise, closing his eyes. He sensed Gon sitting down next to him based on the ripples of the water lapping against his shoulder. Slinking down further, he dipped his head in the water only to rise up above the surface a minute afterwards. His usual fluffy mess of disheveled hair was now plastered in different directions from the water.

“Thanks Gon,” he said as he raked his fingers through sopping wet hair. Killua let the back of his head rest back against the side of the pool as he breathed out a soft sigh.

“For what?” Gon asked, sitting cross-legged next to him. “Bringing you here?”

“Yeah. You helped a lot more than you know.” Killua stared up at the sky above them as it began to dissolve into a light orange. Pink cotton candy clouds drifted overhead slowly with currents in the air. “I felt terrible today… like I was the worst brother to exist. I mean that hasn’t changed much since it’s still my fault that Alluka is gone but somehow I feel surprised that I’m still wanted.”

Gon chuckled softly and Killua turned his head to look at him.

“Why are you laughing?”

“No reason,” Gon replied, a smile still curved on his lips.

“Tell me,” Killua said, turning towards him and speaking intently. “I want to know. Did I say something funny?”

“No, it’s just…” Gon rubbed the back of his neck and looked away for a few moments. “It’s funny how you think you wouldn’t be wanted. Alluka isn’t the only one who likes you for who you are, you know.”

“I know you do but it’s just been so long. I thought that you wouldn’t want to see me. I sort of abandoned you.”

What Killua wasn’t expecting was Gon grinning at that.

“… and now you’re smiling.”

“Gah I’m sorry, I’m trying to stop.”

Killua’s eyebrows arched but he fell silent, slinking a bit deeper into the water. “You’ve been acting weird today.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, you’ve been acting all giddy. What’s up?”

“I’m not allowed to be happy that you’re here?” Gon asked playfully, tracing his finger along the surface of the water into shapes. He still had that ridiculous smile playing on his lips.

“Well yeah of course. I mean I’m happy to be here too,” Killua rolled his eyes. “I’m not acting as weird as you though. Something is different about you so what is it?”

“If I told you, you wouldn’t believe me.” He  shrugged, turning around and pressing his chest against one of the side of the pool. He stared out into the forest, folding his arms flat on the ground.

“That’s bullshit,” Killua shot back almost immediately, following Gon’s movement. The grass felt cool beneath his forearms as they pressed against the moist forest floor that surrounded the springs. “Come on, tell me.”

“Nope.”

“Come on!”

“No way, Killua.”

He grumbled in response, propping his chin up on his arm. “Why wouldn’t I believe you?”

“Because you’re Killua and you’d freak out,” Gon said, still looking straight ahead into the woods. “Besides, this isn’t the time to talk about me.”

“We’ve been talking about my problems all day.” Killua leaned forward a bit. “Please?”

“Nooope.”

“Give me a hint.”

“Really?”

“Really.”

Gon’s expression grew thoughtful. “But what if you find out?”

Killua made an exasperated sound. “Dammit Gon, you owe me at least a hint. You can’t just tell me this much and leave me wondering.”

“Mm alright,” he tapped his chin. “It has something to do with the person I like.”

Killua’s eyes widened. “You like someone? Like, you know—”

“Yes, like _that_.”

“Eh?! You never mentioned this in any of our emails though!” Killua sat up a little suddenly. Sure Gon was older but he didn’t expect him to want a relationship or something like that. “Well, who is it? Wait! Don’t tell me.”

“I wasn’t planning on it,” Gon laughed as he watched Killua begin to think through the options.

“Is it that girl on Whale Island who’s your age?” Killua’s voice suddenly dropped in volume. “No, you would’ve told me otherwise… it’s someone I know right?”

Gon groaned. “This is why I didn’t want to tell you. Now you’re going to find out really fast.”

His heart jumped. “Oh my God it’s _Alluka_ isn’t it? Is that why you’re helping me get her back?”

“No!” Gon looked mortified. “No, no way! I barely even know her Killua. I’m helping you get her back because—”

“Is it Bisky?” Killua interrupted him mid-sentence, blinking hard. “Gon that’s weird, that old hag is fifty.”

“No! Please just wait a sec—”

“Palm? Did you keep in contact with her? No worse… are you _dating_ her now?” he gasped.

“It’s none of your business who I like that way,” Gon said. “Now will you please—”

Killua’s eyes widened. “You _are_ dating her! I can’t believe—”

This time it was Gon who interrupted him. He’d leaned in and closed the distance between them, pressing his lips against Killua’s.

For his first kiss, he’d always expected fireworks, tingles and desire. Instead his first reaction was to jump away but Gon’s arm was already hooked around his neck to kiss him deeper. It wasn’t for a few moments until he realized that his head felt fuzzy and the warmth spread throughout his entire body.

After all the hours he’d spent with Gon—watching him talk, laugh and frown—Killua hadn't imagined how warm they would feel pressed up against his own.

By the time he’d pulled away, Killua felt a little delirious. His brain felt like it was filled with cotton balls and he couldn’t speak for a few moments, attempting to register what just happened. He was suddenly aware of his cheeks filling with heat and he clasped his hands on them immediately to hide his blush.

“Wait…”

“Hm?” Gon said, as if he hadn’t just _kissed_ him.

“You just—”

“It was the only way to shut you up.”

Killua was dreaming. He had to be. “You just kissed me!”

“And?”

“So I’m the one you like?”

Gon tapped his chin. “Maybe.”

“Maybe?!”

“It depends.”

“What the hell does that mean?” he hissed. His cheeks were hotter than a few moments ago and it was getting distracting.

“Well did you like it?” Gon asked, turning towards Killua. “The kiss I mean.”

“Yes! I mean—” He fisted his hands in his hair, absolutely ready to yank some of the wet tuffs from his scalp. “Ugh fine! You’re a good kisser which is weird because I should be better at this than you.”

“Was that your first kiss?”

“No way! I’ve kissed Alluka before!” Killua almost choked out his words. “You know, on her forehead and her cheek and stuff.”

“And on the lips?”

He paused. “Well no but it doesn’t matter!”

“I was the first one to kiss you then,” Gon said as his lips split into a grin. “Deny it all you want but you liked it.”

_Stupid Gon. Stupid Gon and his stupid lips and his stupid smile._

“So what does this mean?” Killua muttered. He would be a little disappointed if this was all a joke. He almost wanted Gon to like him that way since maybe, somewhere deep down, he actually felt something for him. It wasn’t as fluffy as it was solid however: it was familiar and foreign at the same time, but whatever it was it felt warm.

“I like you,” Gon said, letting the side of his head rest against his arm. “A lot.”

“Like, really a lot?”

“Like really really _really_ a lot.”

“What about Palm? I thought you were going to date her after the palace invasion was finished…?”

“That’s a funny story, actually. She’s the one who said that I would be better with you than with her. That got me thinking a lot about the past couple years and I realized she was right,” Gon’s eyes fixed on Killua. “Things aren’t weird now right?”

“No, not at all. Actually…” Killua faced him, moving a little closer. “Can I… kiss you maybe?”

Gon blinked with an odd twisted smile. “Again? Sure.”

A hot blush rose up in Killua’s cheeks as he stretched up, closing the last few centimeters between them and pressed his lips gently against his. Holding contact, Gon’s eyes fluttered closed as he sighed in what sounded almost like relief. Killua melted a bit, feeling the same warm feeling flood through him.

By the time he’d finally pulled back, he suddenly wished he held the kiss for longer.

“I want to do that more,” Killua said rather suddenly. He hadn’t thought about his words before blurting them but now they were out in the open.

“It doesn’t bother you?” Gon asked, opening his eyes after hearing him speak.

“No, I like it.” Killua looked away sheepishly. “And I think I like you too.” That felt a bit strange to say out loud but he dismissed it as embarrassment. He had flushed cheeks to prove it anyways.

Gon’s eyes widened. “You do?” He seemed rather ecstatic.

“Yes! Now will you stop acting like you’re some excited puppy?”

Killua made some sound between one of surprise and muffled warmth as Gon wrapped his arms around him tightly. He sunk into the feeling however, letting his head rest against Gon’s shoulder with a soft noise.

“Only when you stop acting like an angry cat.”

“That’s never gonna happen.”

“Exactly.”


End file.
